HerpeSite.org
Herpes Online Personal Empowerment and Support
Herpes Online Personal Empowerment and Support
HerpeSite: |
Support HerpeSite by visiting our Sponsors: |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
The H-Files:
Real Stories of Success in Relationships and Love With Herpes
This page is an archive of the original HFiles page with real success stories submitted by
HerpeSite visitors. One of the most common questions and challenges facing people who
get HSV is the issue of discussing it with a potential partner. Many people who get HSV
have successfully entered relationships with both infected and non-infected partners, and
by sharing strategies, we can assist ourselves and others to overcome this hurdle. If you
have a "telling" story of your own that can help to encourage and empower others, please
send it to us, and we will be happy to include it in future additions of The H Files.
How do I tell a potential partner? This page features stories written and submitted by real
people, describing how they approached the subject with their loved ones. The intent is to
provide others with inspiration, encouragement, and specific strategies to make the
process easier. The stories have been presented "as-is," and not edited by us. Please go
to the new HFiles Blog page for more stories and updates.
My Story: Kathy
This is directed towards those struggling with herpes and dating. I have been one of you. I am female,
have had herpes for 9 years, and am to be married in 3 months. In 1988, about 2 weeks after I
contracted herpes, I sat in a church pew watching a close friend get married. My thoughts at the time
were this : because I have herpes I will never find a husband, I will never marry, I will always be alone.
Sounds grim, doesn't it?
Its been a long road since then. The biggest mistake I made (aside from unprotected sex), was
LETTING herpes define me and ruin me, for a while. I didn't tell my closest of friends for over 7 years.
Believe it or not, it took THIS message board {the Herpes Support Board on AOL} and a good man to
get me beyond that crap. A few suggestions I have for those struggling to tell a new partner about your
herpes: 1) Of course tell him/her prior to any sexual activity; 2) If you haven't told anyone (as I hadn't),
tell a few close friends. It will help you talk about it and make you feel normal when its no longer a big
secret. I was amazed by my friends reactions - no big deal! No shock or horror! :).
Okay, this is how I told my fiancee about my herpes. We were dating about 2 months. He was soooo
nice to me. The closer we got the more nervous I got about having to tell him. I had not been closely
involved with a guy for over 5 years! We kept going out on dates that ended up back at my apartment.
When things got physical I would always "toss" him out! He was starting to get frustrated. When I finally
knew that I really liked this guy I knew the time came to tell him. Like I said in earlier posts, I practiced
by telling my girlfriends. I just called them up and said I have to tell you this! It was wacko in a way, but
great. So he came over one night, I drank a glass of wine, sat him down, and started with "I have to tell
you something". And just told him.
He was a doll....he held my hand. My eyes tear right now when I think of it. He was so relieved - he
thought I was going to break it off with him. I immediately said he should take some time to think about
it and about us, that I had some information he could read. He said, whats to think about? He was
great. He did not himself have it, but seemed more informed than I thought, and certainly more
informed than I was when I got it. He did end up doing some research in the library on his own a few
days later. I'm glad he did.
We use condoms, still to this day. I am on zovirax daily, I have had 2 breakouts in the last 19 months. A
few times we did have sex w/out condoms, I admit. But that makes me uncomfortable and nervous. So
we stick to the condoms. We are keeping an open eye to the development of vaccines to prevent
herpes and are confident that eventually something will be on the market. My next hurdle will be
pregnancy and herpes, God willing.
Its true this definately weeds out people who probably wouldn't stick around in your life anyway. I
wanted to post my story here because it is true, but also I think that there are many, many positive and
happy people who have gotten herpes that just don't come here and post - and we need to hear these
stories too, not just the sad ones. Keep on smiling.
Kathy
My Story: Jennifer
I have a long and varied history with the herpes virus. I have had it since 1989, contracting it when I
was just 19 years old. At first, I thought all the typical thoughts. No one will want me. I can only date
other people with herpes. Sex will never be the same.
But then I educated myself. I got all the information I could and learned. The more I learned, the easier
herpes was to live with. In 1994, after marrying a man who also had the virus, I started a group called
Herpes Social Solutions to help others live with herpes. I ran that group for 2 years and then handed it
over to a gentleman name Lenny of Herpes Anonymous in Westbury, NY. I enjoyed it while I ran the
group, but the administrative duties became overwhelming.
I am now divorced from my first husband and living with a wonderful man who doesn't have herpes (at
least not that he is aware of.....new CDC numbers say up to 90% of those infected aren't aware). He
does not see it as a problem and accepts that it is possible he may contract it at some point in the
future. It doesn't worry or bother him...he sees how insignificant it is in my life, and says it will not
matter if he does contract it. We are very happy, and very much in love.
If anything, having herpes has made me grow. I have learned much about myself, and about people in
general. Instead of a negative, it has become a positive force in my life.
Jennifer
My Story: Cathy M
Herpes has been a part of my life as a sexually active adult for so long, that I really can't even
remember what I was like before contracting it. It's been 14 years and I contracted it 6 months after I
lost my virginity. Talk about shock! At 18, I thought my life was over and I'd never get married or ever
have a normal dating relationship.
For a while, that was true. Throughout the rest of my college years, I was completely dysfunctional
inside but I dated a lot. I was miserable inside. I felt like a fake because I couldn' t tell anyone. Then I
dated a med student, and one night things got out of hand and we slept together. I was mortified. I
hadn't told him beforehand, and we didn't use condoms. I did tell him later because I wanted him to
know. He was so disappointed in me. "I'm a doctor. If you didn't think I would understand, who do you
think will?" Obviously we broke up immediately because there was no trust.
The point of this long story is just that. TRUST. It is absolutely essential in managing a life with herpes.
It's also difficult to master. You have to be willing to take the higher road all the time and always tell the
truth. You may not want to believe that herpes will make you a better person, but it will because you
have to be a better person in order to deal with people honestly ALL THE TIME. Give people a chance
to trust you and love you and you will be surprised and the quality of people you will find.
Since my epiphany about 'trust', I've been in three longer-term relationships (1 yr, 5 yrs, 2 yrs and
counting), each of which started out with a very nervous, sensitive conversation about the truth. The
responses were as follows:
"Hmmm. Okay. Well, I'm ready. Can we sex?"
"Wow. I'm glad! I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer!"
"I'm sorry. It's a strange world when angels are dangerous."
I've even been engaged, and our break-up had nothing to to with herpes. Trust me, just like any other
relationship, you will have to contend with normal relationship issues. Plenty of men have problems,
talking intimately, being romatic or cleaning up after themselves. Don't overreact by thinking that its his
ambivalence about herpes and dating you that makes him into a neanderthal.
I'm happy to say that I've had very good relationships with hard working, educated, decent, loving, very
handsome men. We broke up on good terms, still talk from time to time and I was the person who
ended the relationships. Don't lower your standards because you think no one will love you. Don't try
to figure out whether he's the man of your dreams on the first date either. By date #5 you may not like
him anymore. Give yourself the same chance to investigate and be curious that non- herpes people
give themselves. Marriage is not the main objective. Loving, trusting friendship with a good person is
the first step.
Accept the fact that some men (and women) will say "this isn't my cup of tea." Suck it up, be sad for a
day and then keep moving on. Some 90 percent of all Americans get married at some point. With the
herpes infection rates, that means that a whole bunch of married people have herpes, too.
Though I certainly recommend condoms (and other forms of birth control), none of my partners wanted
to use them after the first year of dating. None of them has ever become infected either. I recommend
using condoms unless your partner asks for a different arrangement. Don't ever mislead anyone into
thinking that the risk is the same or just a little bit extra just because you know your body rhythyms so
well. Prodrome will not give you enough warning to avoid sexual activity. It's sort of like a fire alarm --
by the time it goes off, the fire is already burning.
Last but not least, work on building a great life for yourself. Friends, family, hobbies, work, education,
travel, religion, whatever it takes. If you spend your time on worthwhile endeavours to enhance your
life and the lives of others, you will have much less time to feel lonely and sad. Nobody likes
desperate, clingy, terminally depressed people, herpes or no-herpes. An added bonus: men/women
you meet will find you interesting, stimulating and fun to be around, thus increasing the chances that
someone special will come into your life.
Thanks to Kathy, Jennifer, and Cathy M for their stories! If you have a great story
about how you successfully told someone about HSV, please send it to us here at
HerpeSite, and we'll include it in a future edition of the page. To submit your story,
send us an email with the words H FILES STORY in the subject... and thanks for
helping to empower and support!
And please be sure to check out the HerpeSite.org pages on Relationships and Dating for
additional inspiration and resources to get back out there!
Real Stories of Success in Relationships and Love With Herpes
This page is an archive of the original HFiles page with real success stories submitted by
HerpeSite visitors. One of the most common questions and challenges facing people who
get HSV is the issue of discussing it with a potential partner. Many people who get HSV
have successfully entered relationships with both infected and non-infected partners, and
by sharing strategies, we can assist ourselves and others to overcome this hurdle. If you
have a "telling" story of your own that can help to encourage and empower others, please
send it to us, and we will be happy to include it in future additions of The H Files.
How do I tell a potential partner? This page features stories written and submitted by real
people, describing how they approached the subject with their loved ones. The intent is to
provide others with inspiration, encouragement, and specific strategies to make the
process easier. The stories have been presented "as-is," and not edited by us. Please go
to the new HFiles Blog page for more stories and updates.
My Story: Kathy
This is directed towards those struggling with herpes and dating. I have been one of you. I am female,
have had herpes for 9 years, and am to be married in 3 months. In 1988, about 2 weeks after I
contracted herpes, I sat in a church pew watching a close friend get married. My thoughts at the time
were this : because I have herpes I will never find a husband, I will never marry, I will always be alone.
Sounds grim, doesn't it?
Its been a long road since then. The biggest mistake I made (aside from unprotected sex), was
LETTING herpes define me and ruin me, for a while. I didn't tell my closest of friends for over 7 years.
Believe it or not, it took THIS message board {the Herpes Support Board on AOL} and a good man to
get me beyond that crap. A few suggestions I have for those struggling to tell a new partner about your
herpes: 1) Of course tell him/her prior to any sexual activity; 2) If you haven't told anyone (as I hadn't),
tell a few close friends. It will help you talk about it and make you feel normal when its no longer a big
secret. I was amazed by my friends reactions - no big deal! No shock or horror! :).
Okay, this is how I told my fiancee about my herpes. We were dating about 2 months. He was soooo
nice to me. The closer we got the more nervous I got about having to tell him. I had not been closely
involved with a guy for over 5 years! We kept going out on dates that ended up back at my apartment.
When things got physical I would always "toss" him out! He was starting to get frustrated. When I finally
knew that I really liked this guy I knew the time came to tell him. Like I said in earlier posts, I practiced
by telling my girlfriends. I just called them up and said I have to tell you this! It was wacko in a way, but
great. So he came over one night, I drank a glass of wine, sat him down, and started with "I have to tell
you something". And just told him.
He was a doll....he held my hand. My eyes tear right now when I think of it. He was so relieved - he
thought I was going to break it off with him. I immediately said he should take some time to think about
it and about us, that I had some information he could read. He said, whats to think about? He was
great. He did not himself have it, but seemed more informed than I thought, and certainly more
informed than I was when I got it. He did end up doing some research in the library on his own a few
days later. I'm glad he did.
We use condoms, still to this day. I am on zovirax daily, I have had 2 breakouts in the last 19 months. A
few times we did have sex w/out condoms, I admit. But that makes me uncomfortable and nervous. So
we stick to the condoms. We are keeping an open eye to the development of vaccines to prevent
herpes and are confident that eventually something will be on the market. My next hurdle will be
pregnancy and herpes, God willing.
Its true this definately weeds out people who probably wouldn't stick around in your life anyway. I
wanted to post my story here because it is true, but also I think that there are many, many positive and
happy people who have gotten herpes that just don't come here and post - and we need to hear these
stories too, not just the sad ones. Keep on smiling.
Kathy
My Story: Jennifer
I have a long and varied history with the herpes virus. I have had it since 1989, contracting it when I
was just 19 years old. At first, I thought all the typical thoughts. No one will want me. I can only date
other people with herpes. Sex will never be the same.
But then I educated myself. I got all the information I could and learned. The more I learned, the easier
herpes was to live with. In 1994, after marrying a man who also had the virus, I started a group called
Herpes Social Solutions to help others live with herpes. I ran that group for 2 years and then handed it
over to a gentleman name Lenny of Herpes Anonymous in Westbury, NY. I enjoyed it while I ran the
group, but the administrative duties became overwhelming.
I am now divorced from my first husband and living with a wonderful man who doesn't have herpes (at
least not that he is aware of.....new CDC numbers say up to 90% of those infected aren't aware). He
does not see it as a problem and accepts that it is possible he may contract it at some point in the
future. It doesn't worry or bother him...he sees how insignificant it is in my life, and says it will not
matter if he does contract it. We are very happy, and very much in love.
If anything, having herpes has made me grow. I have learned much about myself, and about people in
general. Instead of a negative, it has become a positive force in my life.
Jennifer
My Story: Cathy M
Herpes has been a part of my life as a sexually active adult for so long, that I really can't even
remember what I was like before contracting it. It's been 14 years and I contracted it 6 months after I
lost my virginity. Talk about shock! At 18, I thought my life was over and I'd never get married or ever
have a normal dating relationship.
For a while, that was true. Throughout the rest of my college years, I was completely dysfunctional
inside but I dated a lot. I was miserable inside. I felt like a fake because I couldn' t tell anyone. Then I
dated a med student, and one night things got out of hand and we slept together. I was mortified. I
hadn't told him beforehand, and we didn't use condoms. I did tell him later because I wanted him to
know. He was so disappointed in me. "I'm a doctor. If you didn't think I would understand, who do you
think will?" Obviously we broke up immediately because there was no trust.
The point of this long story is just that. TRUST. It is absolutely essential in managing a life with herpes.
It's also difficult to master. You have to be willing to take the higher road all the time and always tell the
truth. You may not want to believe that herpes will make you a better person, but it will because you
have to be a better person in order to deal with people honestly ALL THE TIME. Give people a chance
to trust you and love you and you will be surprised and the quality of people you will find.
Since my epiphany about 'trust', I've been in three longer-term relationships (1 yr, 5 yrs, 2 yrs and
counting), each of which started out with a very nervous, sensitive conversation about the truth. The
responses were as follows:
"Hmmm. Okay. Well, I'm ready. Can we sex?"
"Wow. I'm glad! I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer!"
"I'm sorry. It's a strange world when angels are dangerous."
I've even been engaged, and our break-up had nothing to to with herpes. Trust me, just like any other
relationship, you will have to contend with normal relationship issues. Plenty of men have problems,
talking intimately, being romatic or cleaning up after themselves. Don't overreact by thinking that its his
ambivalence about herpes and dating you that makes him into a neanderthal.
I'm happy to say that I've had very good relationships with hard working, educated, decent, loving, very
handsome men. We broke up on good terms, still talk from time to time and I was the person who
ended the relationships. Don't lower your standards because you think no one will love you. Don't try
to figure out whether he's the man of your dreams on the first date either. By date #5 you may not like
him anymore. Give yourself the same chance to investigate and be curious that non- herpes people
give themselves. Marriage is not the main objective. Loving, trusting friendship with a good person is
the first step.
Accept the fact that some men (and women) will say "this isn't my cup of tea." Suck it up, be sad for a
day and then keep moving on. Some 90 percent of all Americans get married at some point. With the
herpes infection rates, that means that a whole bunch of married people have herpes, too.
Though I certainly recommend condoms (and other forms of birth control), none of my partners wanted
to use them after the first year of dating. None of them has ever become infected either. I recommend
using condoms unless your partner asks for a different arrangement. Don't ever mislead anyone into
thinking that the risk is the same or just a little bit extra just because you know your body rhythyms so
well. Prodrome will not give you enough warning to avoid sexual activity. It's sort of like a fire alarm --
by the time it goes off, the fire is already burning.
Last but not least, work on building a great life for yourself. Friends, family, hobbies, work, education,
travel, religion, whatever it takes. If you spend your time on worthwhile endeavours to enhance your
life and the lives of others, you will have much less time to feel lonely and sad. Nobody likes
desperate, clingy, terminally depressed people, herpes or no-herpes. An added bonus: men/women
you meet will find you interesting, stimulating and fun to be around, thus increasing the chances that
someone special will come into your life.
Thanks to Kathy, Jennifer, and Cathy M for their stories! If you have a great story
about how you successfully told someone about HSV, please send it to us here at
HerpeSite, and we'll include it in a future edition of the page. To submit your story,
send us an email with the words H FILES STORY in the subject... and thanks for
helping to empower and support!
And please be sure to check out the HerpeSite.org pages on Relationships and Dating for
additional inspiration and resources to get back out there!
When it's time to consider dating, Herpesite recommends PositiveSingles! |
Many people prefer to be in a relationship with someone who already understands the Herpes situation. Find new friends and maybe even Love at PositiveSingles! |
There's a lot more here at HerpeSite! Bookmark this page and click the topics below to continue: Questions, Comments, & Feedback contact: support (at) HerpeSite. org Over 3,000,000 Visitors since 1996! This Reference Copyright © 1996 … 2010 HerpeSite(tm) Privacy & No Spam Policy Disclaimer Copies may be made and distributed to anyone who may benefit, as long as there is no charge and the disclaimers remain intact. www. herpesite. org Originally a resource for the AOL Herpes Support Community at www.members.aol.com/herpesite/ |
HerpeSite.org is a non-commercial educational website established in 1994 by volunteers dedicated to provide accurate and accessible Herpes information, support, and hope. The ads & affiliate links placed on our site help to keep us going. Thanks for your support! |
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |