The H Files ~ Real Stories of Love and Success
This page presents real success stories submitted by HerpeSite visitors. One of the most
common questions and challenges facing people who get HSV is the issue of discussing it
with a potential partner. Many people who get HSV have successfully entered relationships
with both infected and non-infected partners, and by sharing strategies, we can assist
ourselves and others to overcome this hurdle. If you have a "telling" story of your own that
can help to encourage and empower others, please send it to us, and we will be happy to
include it in future additions of The H Files.
How do I tell a potential partner? This page features stories written and submitted by real
people, describing how they approached the subject with their loved ones. The intent is to
provide others with inspiration, encouragement, and specific strategies to make the process
easier. The stories have been presented "as-is," and not edited by us.
If you have a great story about how you successfully told someone about HSV, please send
it to us here at HerpeSite, and we'll include it in a future edition of the page.
My story: Kathy
This is directed towards those struggling with herpes and dating. I have been one of you. I am female,
have had herpes for 9 years, and am to be married in 3 months. In 1988, about 2 weeks after I contracted
herpes, I sat in a church pew watching a close friend get married. My thoughts at the time were this :
because I have herpes I will never find a husband, I will never marry, I will always be alone. Sounds grim,
doesn't it?
Its been a long road since then. The biggest mistake I made (aside from unprotected sex), was LETTING
herpes define me and ruin me, for a while. I didn't tell my closest of friends for over 7 years. Believe it or
not, it took THIS message board {the Herpes Support Board on AOL} and a good man to get me beyond
that crap. A few suggestions I have for those struggling to tell a new partner about your herpes: 1) Of
course tell him/her prior to any sexual activity; 2) If you haven't told anyone (as I hadn't), tell a few close
friends. It will help you talk about it and make you feel normal when its no longer a big secret. I was
amazed by my friends reactions - no big deal! No shock or horror! :).
Okay, this is how I told my fiancee about my herpes. We were dating about 2 months. He was soooo nice
to me. The closer we got the more nervous I got about having to tell him. I had not been closely involved
with a guy for over 5 years! We kept going out on dates that ended up back at my apartment. When things
got physical I would always "toss" him out! He was starting to get frustrated. When I finally knew that I
really liked this guy I knew the time came to tell him. Like I said in earlier posts, I practiced by telling my
girlfriends. I just called them up and said I have to tell you this! It was wacko in a way, but great. So he
came over one night, I drank a glass of wine, sat him down, and started with "I have to tell you
something". And just told him.
He was a doll....he held my hand. My eyes tear right now when I think of it. He was so relieved - he
thought I was going to break it off with him. I immediatly said he should take some time to think about it
and about us, that I had some information he could read. He said, whats to think about? He was great. He
did not himself have it, but seemed more informed than I thought, and certainly more informed than I was
when I got it. He did end up doing some research in the library on his own a few days later. I'm glad he
did.
We use condoms, still to this day. I am on zovirax daily, I have had 2 breakouts in the last 19 months. A
few times we did have sex w/out condoms, I admit. But that makes me uncomfortable and nervous. So we
stick to the condoms. We are keeping an open eye to the development of vaccines to prevent herpes and are
confident that eventually something will be on the market. My next hurdle will be pregnancy and herpes,
God willing.
Its true this definately weeds out people who probably wouldn't stick around in your life anyway. I
wanted to post my story here because it is true, but also I think that there are many, many positive and
happy people who have gotten herpes that just don't come here and post - and we need to hear these
stories too, not just the sad ones. Keep on smiling.
Kathy
From Jennifer:
I have a long and varied history with the herpes virus. I have had it since 1989, contracting it when I was
just 19 years old. At first, I thought all the typical thoughts. No one will want me. I can only date other
people with herpes. Sex will never be the same.
But then I educated myself. I got all the information I could and learned. The more I learned, the easier
herpes was to live with. In 1994, after marrying a man who also had the virus, I started a group called
Herpes Social Solutions to help others live with herpes. I ran that group for 2 years and then handed it
over to a gentleman name Lenny of Herpes Anonymous in Westbury, NY. I enjoyed it while I ran the
group, but the administrative duties became overwhelming.
I am now divorced from my first husband and living with a wonderful man who doesn't have herpes (at
least not that he is aware of.....new CDC numbers say up to 90% of those infected aren't aware). He does
not see it as a problem and accepts that it is possible he may contract it at some point in the future. It
doesn't worry or bother him...he sees how insignificant it is in my life, and says it will not matter if he
does contract it. We are very happy, and very much in love.
If anything, having herpes has made me grow. I have learned much about myself, and about people in
general. Instead of a negative, it has become a positive force in my life.
Jennifer
From Cathy M:
Herpes has been a part of my life as a sexually active adult for so long, that I really can't even remember
what I was like before contracting it. It's been 14 years and I contracted it 6 months after I lost my
virginity. Talk about shock! At 18, I thought my life was over and I'd never get married or ever have a
normal dating relationship.
For a while, that was true. Throughout the rest of my college years, I was completely dysfunctional inside
but I dated a lot. I was miserable inside. I felt like a fake because I couldn' tell anyone. Then I dated a med
student, and one night things got out of hand and we slept together. I was mortified. I hadn't told him
beforehand, and we didn't use condoms. I did tell him later because I wanted him to know. He was so
disappointed in me. "I'm a doctor. If you didn't think I would understand, who do you think will?"
Obviously we broke up immediately because there was no trust.
The point of this long story is just that. TRUST. It is absolutely essential in managing a life with herpes.
It's also difficult to master. You have to be willing to take the higher road all the time and always tell the
truth. You may not want to believe that herpes will make you a better person, but it will because you have
to be a better person in order to deal with people honestly ALL THE TIME. Give people a chance to trust
you and love you and you will be surprised and the quality of people you will find.
Since my epiphany about 'trust', I've been in three longer-term relationships (1 yr, 5 yrs, 2 yrs and
counting), each of which started out with a very nervous, sensitive conversation about the truth. The
responses were as follows:
"Hmmm. Okay. Well, I'm ready. Can we sex?"
"Wow. I'm glad! I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer!"
"I'm sorry. It's a strange world when angels are dangerous."
I've even been engaged, and our break-up had nothing to to with herpes. Trust me, just like any other
relationship, you will have to contend with normal relationship issues. Plenty of men have problems,
talking intimately, being romatic or cleaning up after themselves. Don't overreact by thinking that its his
ambivalence about herpes and dating you that makes him into a neanderthal.
I'm happy to say that I've had very good relationships with hard working, educated, decent, loving, very
handsome men. We broke up on good terms, still talk from time to time and I was the person who ended
the relationshships. Don't lower your standards because you think no one will love you. Don't try to
figure out whether he's the man of your dreams on the first date either. By date #5 you may not like him
anymore. Give yourself the same chance to investigate and be curious that non-herpes people give
themselves. Marriage is not the main objective. Loving, trusting friendship with a good person is the first
step.
Accept the fact that some men (and women) will say "this isn't my cup of tea." Suck it up, be sad for a day
and then keep moving on. Some 90 percent of all Americans get married at some point. With the herpes
infection rates, that means that a whole bunch of married people have herpes, too.
Though I certainly recommend condoms (and other forms of birth control), none of my partners wanted
to use them after the first year of dating. None of them has ever become infected either. I recommend using
condoms unless your partner asks for a different arrangement. Don't ever mislead anyone into thinking
that the risk is the same or just a little bit extra just because you know your body rhythyms so well.
Prodrome will not give you enough warning to avoid sexual activity. It's sort of like a fire alarm -- by the
time it goes off, the fire is already burning.
Last but not least, work on building a great life for yourself. Friends, family, hobbies, work, education,
travel, religion, whatever it takes. If you spend your time on worthwhile endeavours to enhance your life
and the lives of others, you will have much less time to feel lonely and sad. Nobody likes desperate, clingy,
terminally depressed people, herpes or no-herpes. An added bonus: men/women you meet will find you
interesting, stimulating and fun to be around, thus increasing the chances that someone special will come
into your life.
Kathy M
Thanks to Kathy, Cathy M, and Jennifer for their stories! To submit your
story, send us an email with the words H FILES STORY in the subject...
and thanks for helping to empower and support!
And please be sure to check out our NEW page on Relationships and Dating
For additional inspiration and resources to get back out there!
If you have a story to share, put “H Files Story” in the subject line, and mail
to: hfiles (at) herpesite .org
This page presents real success stories submitted by HerpeSite visitors. One of the most
common questions and challenges facing people who get HSV is the issue of discussing it
with a potential partner. Many people who get HSV have successfully entered relationships
with both infected and non-infected partners, and by sharing strategies, we can assist
ourselves and others to overcome this hurdle. If you have a "telling" story of your own that
can help to encourage and empower others, please send it to us, and we will be happy to
include it in future additions of The H Files.
How do I tell a potential partner? This page features stories written and submitted by real
people, describing how they approached the subject with their loved ones. The intent is to
provide others with inspiration, encouragement, and specific strategies to make the process
easier. The stories have been presented "as-is," and not edited by us.
If you have a great story about how you successfully told someone about HSV, please send
it to us here at HerpeSite, and we'll include it in a future edition of the page.
My story: Kathy
This is directed towards those struggling with herpes and dating. I have been one of you. I am female,
have had herpes for 9 years, and am to be married in 3 months. In 1988, about 2 weeks after I contracted
herpes, I sat in a church pew watching a close friend get married. My thoughts at the time were this :
because I have herpes I will never find a husband, I will never marry, I will always be alone. Sounds grim,
doesn't it?
Its been a long road since then. The biggest mistake I made (aside from unprotected sex), was LETTING
herpes define me and ruin me, for a while. I didn't tell my closest of friends for over 7 years. Believe it or
not, it took THIS message board {the Herpes Support Board on AOL} and a good man to get me beyond
that crap. A few suggestions I have for those struggling to tell a new partner about your herpes: 1) Of
course tell him/her prior to any sexual activity; 2) If you haven't told anyone (as I hadn't), tell a few close
friends. It will help you talk about it and make you feel normal when its no longer a big secret. I was
amazed by my friends reactions - no big deal! No shock or horror! :).
Okay, this is how I told my fiancee about my herpes. We were dating about 2 months. He was soooo nice
to me. The closer we got the more nervous I got about having to tell him. I had not been closely involved
with a guy for over 5 years! We kept going out on dates that ended up back at my apartment. When things
got physical I would always "toss" him out! He was starting to get frustrated. When I finally knew that I
really liked this guy I knew the time came to tell him. Like I said in earlier posts, I practiced by telling my
girlfriends. I just called them up and said I have to tell you this! It was wacko in a way, but great. So he
came over one night, I drank a glass of wine, sat him down, and started with "I have to tell you
something". And just told him.
He was a doll....he held my hand. My eyes tear right now when I think of it. He was so relieved - he
thought I was going to break it off with him. I immediatly said he should take some time to think about it
and about us, that I had some information he could read. He said, whats to think about? He was great. He
did not himself have it, but seemed more informed than I thought, and certainly more informed than I was
when I got it. He did end up doing some research in the library on his own a few days later. I'm glad he
did.
We use condoms, still to this day. I am on zovirax daily, I have had 2 breakouts in the last 19 months. A
few times we did have sex w/out condoms, I admit. But that makes me uncomfortable and nervous. So we
stick to the condoms. We are keeping an open eye to the development of vaccines to prevent herpes and are
confident that eventually something will be on the market. My next hurdle will be pregnancy and herpes,
God willing.
Its true this definately weeds out people who probably wouldn't stick around in your life anyway. I
wanted to post my story here because it is true, but also I think that there are many, many positive and
happy people who have gotten herpes that just don't come here and post - and we need to hear these
stories too, not just the sad ones. Keep on smiling.
Kathy
From Jennifer:
I have a long and varied history with the herpes virus. I have had it since 1989, contracting it when I was
just 19 years old. At first, I thought all the typical thoughts. No one will want me. I can only date other
people with herpes. Sex will never be the same.
But then I educated myself. I got all the information I could and learned. The more I learned, the easier
herpes was to live with. In 1994, after marrying a man who also had the virus, I started a group called
Herpes Social Solutions to help others live with herpes. I ran that group for 2 years and then handed it
over to a gentleman name Lenny of Herpes Anonymous in Westbury, NY. I enjoyed it while I ran the
group, but the administrative duties became overwhelming.
I am now divorced from my first husband and living with a wonderful man who doesn't have herpes (at
least not that he is aware of.....new CDC numbers say up to 90% of those infected aren't aware). He does
not see it as a problem and accepts that it is possible he may contract it at some point in the future. It
doesn't worry or bother him...he sees how insignificant it is in my life, and says it will not matter if he
does contract it. We are very happy, and very much in love.
If anything, having herpes has made me grow. I have learned much about myself, and about people in
general. Instead of a negative, it has become a positive force in my life.
Jennifer
From Cathy M:
Herpes has been a part of my life as a sexually active adult for so long, that I really can't even remember
what I was like before contracting it. It's been 14 years and I contracted it 6 months after I lost my
virginity. Talk about shock! At 18, I thought my life was over and I'd never get married or ever have a
normal dating relationship.
For a while, that was true. Throughout the rest of my college years, I was completely dysfunctional inside
but I dated a lot. I was miserable inside. I felt like a fake because I couldn' tell anyone. Then I dated a med
student, and one night things got out of hand and we slept together. I was mortified. I hadn't told him
beforehand, and we didn't use condoms. I did tell him later because I wanted him to know. He was so
disappointed in me. "I'm a doctor. If you didn't think I would understand, who do you think will?"
Obviously we broke up immediately because there was no trust.
The point of this long story is just that. TRUST. It is absolutely essential in managing a life with herpes.
It's also difficult to master. You have to be willing to take the higher road all the time and always tell the
truth. You may not want to believe that herpes will make you a better person, but it will because you have
to be a better person in order to deal with people honestly ALL THE TIME. Give people a chance to trust
you and love you and you will be surprised and the quality of people you will find.
Since my epiphany about 'trust', I've been in three longer-term relationships (1 yr, 5 yrs, 2 yrs and
counting), each of which started out with a very nervous, sensitive conversation about the truth. The
responses were as follows:
"Hmmm. Okay. Well, I'm ready. Can we sex?"
"Wow. I'm glad! I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer!"
"I'm sorry. It's a strange world when angels are dangerous."
I've even been engaged, and our break-up had nothing to to with herpes. Trust me, just like any other
relationship, you will have to contend with normal relationship issues. Plenty of men have problems,
talking intimately, being romatic or cleaning up after themselves. Don't overreact by thinking that its his
ambivalence about herpes and dating you that makes him into a neanderthal.
I'm happy to say that I've had very good relationships with hard working, educated, decent, loving, very
handsome men. We broke up on good terms, still talk from time to time and I was the person who ended
the relationshships. Don't lower your standards because you think no one will love you. Don't try to
figure out whether he's the man of your dreams on the first date either. By date #5 you may not like him
anymore. Give yourself the same chance to investigate and be curious that non-herpes people give
themselves. Marriage is not the main objective. Loving, trusting friendship with a good person is the first
step.
Accept the fact that some men (and women) will say "this isn't my cup of tea." Suck it up, be sad for a day
and then keep moving on. Some 90 percent of all Americans get married at some point. With the herpes
infection rates, that means that a whole bunch of married people have herpes, too.
Though I certainly recommend condoms (and other forms of birth control), none of my partners wanted
to use them after the first year of dating. None of them has ever become infected either. I recommend using
condoms unless your partner asks for a different arrangement. Don't ever mislead anyone into thinking
that the risk is the same or just a little bit extra just because you know your body rhythyms so well.
Prodrome will not give you enough warning to avoid sexual activity. It's sort of like a fire alarm -- by the
time it goes off, the fire is already burning.
Last but not least, work on building a great life for yourself. Friends, family, hobbies, work, education,
travel, religion, whatever it takes. If you spend your time on worthwhile endeavours to enhance your life
and the lives of others, you will have much less time to feel lonely and sad. Nobody likes desperate, clingy,
terminally depressed people, herpes or no-herpes. An added bonus: men/women you meet will find you
interesting, stimulating and fun to be around, thus increasing the chances that someone special will come
into your life.
Kathy M
Thanks to Kathy, Cathy M, and Jennifer for their stories! To submit your
story, send us an email with the words H FILES STORY in the subject...
and thanks for helping to empower and support!
And please be sure to check out our NEW page on Relationships and Dating
For additional inspiration and resources to get back out there!
If you have a story to share, put “H Files Story” in the subject line, and mail
to: hfiles (at) herpesite .org
HerpeSite ~ Herpes Online Personal Empowerment & Support
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